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Any disaster, whether natural or man-made, leaves us to
grieve over our losses and adjust to a world in which our
sense of security and control has been stolen.
Most adults have experienced feelings of grief, perhaps
at the death of a family member, a significant decline in
health, or a failed marriage. Children, too, at some point
learn about the inevitability of loss. But when losses occur
suddenly and traumatically, feelings of grief may be more
intense, long-lasting, and emotionally disabling.
Traumatic grief is especially severe among those who are
directly exposed to a disaster. People close by when the
event occurred often find that mourning is made more
difficult by their memories of painful sights, sounds, and
odors at the scene. Often, those who are grieving behave as
if they are numb; this is a way of "putting up one's guard"
to avoid being emotionally overwhelmed.
Waiting to learn what has happened to a loved one
involved in a disaster adds to the anguish. So do the
ongoing media coverage and intense public interest; they
make it hard for mourners to "get some distance" from the
tragedy and begin to work through their painful
feelings.
When a traumatic event is caused by the deliberate act of
another human being, the grief of those affected is often
mixed with feelings of rage at the cruelty and injustice of
the attack. People who have been victimized want to find out
who is responsible, understand the motive, and see that the
guilty are punished. Thoughts of revenge are normal, but too
much of this kind of thinking can delay the healing
process.
Sometimes, individuals experiencing traumatic grief are
bothered by memories of their last contact with their loved
one--regretting, for example, that they parted in an angry
or indifferent manner. It's common, too, to be haunted by
the "empty spot" left in the family or workgroup and to
focus on the fact that the person who died will no longer be
present at special occasions or will never again occupy a
certain chair or perform a particular job. Feeling the
"empty spots" is painful, but a necessary part of the
adjustment process.
Both children and adults have strong responses to
traumatic loss, although they may express them differently.
For example, an adult may openly show signs of depression
for many months. A child may seem sad only briefly, then
return to usual play activity, and may even appear to be
ignoring the family's loss. It's important to remember that
children do grieve; they simply have different ways of
showing it--often with disruptive behavior, physical
ailments, or impossible fantasies about the return of the
lost family member or friend.
There are things you can do to help yourself and those
around you through a period of traumatic grief. The first is
to recognize that each person is unique. Children of varying
ages have varied reactions. Each family member, co-worker,
or friend now must learn to cope with different roles and
routines, and each will be challenged with his or her own
special "empty spots."
Young children need to be told the facts honestly, but
gently. Tailor information to the child's level of
understanding, but don't mislead or allow the child to
harbor misinformation. Give youngsters extra attention and
reassurance during a period of grief.
Ask for help and advice with practical decisions related
to finances, your job, and other concerns. Decide which
things must be done right away and defer the rest until a
less stressful time. Keep your focus on positive memories,
rather than reliving the tragedy or thinking of future
sorrows.
Limit exposure to news stories about the disaster if you
feel they are delaying your recovery by keeping you "stuck"
in a cycle of anger and grief.
Think about the coping skills you have depended on in
other difficult times, and use them now.
Join a support group. There is comfort in sharing
experiences, and strength in knowing you have helped others
and allowed them to help you.
Posted September 2001
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